Well, praise the world, we are not alone. Check out these snort-inducing takes on novelists’ misguided ideas of growing up in various parts of the world.

MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN THE SOUTH: got called gay for crying during “Hardball” again today — Wenzler Powers (@WenzlerPowers) January 28, 2020

MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN THE MIDWEST: the hawks left a half-eaten squirrel in the yard but it’s surrounded by insane wild turkeys so I guess it stays — a disgruntled pelican (@adspexi) January 28, 2020

MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA: Stuck in traffic and there’s no place to park. — San Diego Cinerama (@sdcinerama) January 28, 2020

ACTUAL CHILDHOOD: My Meemaw is a nice Italian lady who bakes 1000 cookies every christmas and calls laundry a “warsher” — dusty rose at home (@rosapolverosa) January 28, 2020

ACTUAL LIFE IN CANADA: It was a quaint life – all toques and toboggans, eating maple syrup off snow and being kind, and viscously mocking Americans. — Hannah is still drafting, okay? 🔥🗡🗻 (@hannah_m_long) January 29, 2020

REALITY: Red tide gags you. Motherfucking LOVEBUGS. Snowbird season. GD LOVEBUGS. AGAIN. Hurricane season. LOVEBUGS. Repeat. PUBLIX CHICKEN. Park in the shade. — Tymber (w/a Y are you standing so close) Dalton 📚 (@TymberDalton) January 29, 2020

ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN NEVADA:It was a budweiser — Van Sounds (@Van_Sounds) January 29, 2020

my actual childhood in the midwest: [cicadas] — jojo siwa’s bizarre adventure ☭ (@jerseyegirl) January 28, 2020 https://twitter.com/MiaDonahue3/status/1222358509079203845

ACTUAL CANADIAN WINTER: “Sorry I’m late, my car doors were frozen shut.” — Mos Jef (@PanickedIdiot) January 29, 2020

MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN NEW ORLEANS: I saw a drunk girl on the lakefront puke up a daiquiri — Gail Delaughter (@Gail_HPM) January 30, 2020

ACTUAL HUNTSVILLE AREA: 1/2 the ppl here are literal rocket scientists, but we still have a team called the “Trash Pandas” 😩 — Chelsea🌹🖤 #Bernie2020✌🏼🔥🤗 (@kelz3108) January 30, 2020

ACTUAL ENGLISH CHILDHOOD: the corner shop ran out of freddos and the scary statue bloke in town hissed at me again, twat — sofia.genco#BLM (@genco_sofia) January 29, 2020

NOVELISTS WRITING ABOUT MINNESOTA: Icicles glittered from the trees as the wind whipped the snow into tiny cyclones. ACTUAL MINNESOTA: Dammit, which side of the street can I park on today? Oh, well. Best wrap this heating pad around the water pipe. — Steven Brust, pjf (@StevenBrust) January 29, 2020

ACTUAL NORTHERN NORWAY: was late for school because a moose and calf was in my yard. Everyone laughed. — Majka (@majken_aune) January 29, 2020

MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD: Skater kids wearing baggy jeans drinking bucky at the park. Some dude named Chris throws up in a bush. — Alanna (@AliHeartsBooks) January 29, 2020

MY ACTUAL TEENAGE-HOOD IN NEW ORLEANS: My shift manager at Popeye’s stole my wallet, the canal stinks, and there’s a lizard in my bedroom — Jenifer Tidwell 🌿 (@jenifer_tidwell) January 29, 2020

MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN NYC: The super kicked us out of the stairwell so now we’re drinking on someone’s stoop. It is 19° — Bartókian Nightmare (@BartokianN) January 29, 2020

MY ACTUAL CHILDHOOD IN TX: I got stung by fire ants and a truck hit a skunk in front of the house again. — 𝕯𝖆𝖓𝖓𝖞 𝖂𝖎𝖊𝖗 🇺🇸🇪🇺 (@DaWierComposer) January 30, 2020

CT CHILDHOOD IRL: bout to murder all these summer people who can’t drive and vote no on the budget every goddamn year. — Belle Chanson, Lipstick Witch (@ekp0717) January 30, 2020